Baby Blase

The nanny starts at our house tomorrow. We are doing a nanny-share with another family that has a son only a few days older than Harrison. She started with the other family last week. Tomorrow is her first day here. When I think about her starting to care for our son part of me feels so relieved and empowered that I can finally devote 8 hours a day to work and then totally concentrate on the kid - as opposed to what I have been doing - half-assing my way through everything. Then another part of me, the part that has yet to be coached into submission, is taken over by waves of anxiety throughout the day - paralyzing me for a moment… my mind fills with should-haves… we should have trained the kid to sleep without swaddling… we should have taught him to self-sooth already… I never should have gone back to nursing him to sleep… we should have bought a house that was more baby friendly… Then the what-ifs start… what if she can’t swaddle him and he doesn’t sleep during the day? what if he never gets on a set schedule? What if the boys are always on totally different schedules and the nanny is run ragged? what if I can’t pump enough milk?

Then I realize that the nanny is hired to help us figure all of this out. She sounds, at least from the conversations we’ve had via phone, incredibly patient, calm and confident. Let’s just hope some of that rubs off on me.

Listening: The Broken West